How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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