my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
