Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
