You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
