Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
