WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
