I think I am morally bankrupt
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
