Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
