apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
