I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
