Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
