so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
