I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
At least life still wants to fuck me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
