I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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