It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
