She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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