I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked