That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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