he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
