just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
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should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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