I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
