So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
