So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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