Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
