his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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