Will you blow on my dice?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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