nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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