Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
