and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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