So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
