Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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