Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
