my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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