After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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