My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Life without a bra equals bliss.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
