Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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