My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
