Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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