The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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