: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
