first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
