If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
