I just threw up on my dentist
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
