Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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