Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
