i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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