I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I had to cum in my sink.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
