we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
