I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
