just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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