Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
