I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
