she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
