dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
